


Why Jim Kirk Should Not Write His Own Press Release Ever

by Misscar



Series: Warning: Assumptions are bad [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Humor, Jim versus Starfleet, Kelvin Timeline AU, M/M, News Media, Not STID compliant, References to Homophobia, Satire, Social Commentary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-20
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-12-12 11:30:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/811098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misscar/pseuds/Misscar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Companion piece to: But I Thought You Were Straight</p><p>Summary: Jim Kirk's uncleared press release in response to those who were upset about his relationship with Spock once it became public along with Spock's response.<br/>This probably could be read as a standalone with minimal confusion</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fuck Starfleet

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written in March 2011 and is not compliant for Into Darkness because I wrote this over two years ago.  
> Thank you to Teddy Bear for proofreading the original version. All remaining mistakes are mine or the voice recognition software's.
> 
> This takes place after Jim and Spock decide to let Jane Barnett take over the wedding plans, but before the wedding takes place.
> 
> I was inspired to write this after reading Jonathan Knight's (of NKOTB) public statement regarding his sexual orientation and thought it would be something that the Jim Kirk in this universe would say. I also thought it was downright hilarious and right on point.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. I'm just the latest person to reinterpret the material. Unfortunately, I'm not being paid to do it.
> 
>  
> 
> Series: Trek Pod
> 
> Sub series: Warning: Assumptions are Bad  
> Inspired by: My Life by TLC
> 
> Lyric excerpt:
> 
> Being sick and tired of folks  
> Who wanna come around  
> Claim they gon get down  
> But all they wanna do is  
> See me make a wrong move (yeah)  
> I don't care what you hear in the news  
> To see who I choose to do the late night creep with  
> I'm gonna do just what I wanna do  
> It's my life

From: KirkJT  
To: SpockX

Subject: Draft press release that I'm being forced to write against my will and better judgment.

Time sent: 5/1/2262 19:31:21

A certain Admiral, that I despise in connection with certain morons in the Starfleet Press Office, have decided it would be best if you or I released an official statement addressing the fact neither of us is as straight as everyone assumed us to be. Not that they actually worded the request that way, but we all know that's what they meant. Apparently 'no comment' and the more diplomatic version of 'none of your damn business' was no longer pacifying the masses or those vultures who call themselves journalists. I really don't want to issue a formal statement because, as I have maintained for our entire relationship, it's none of their business who I sleep with. It's definitely none of their business who I choose to love. They can all go fuck themselves for all I care, but I can't say that in an official statement.

I guess I should have thought of that before I proposed to you live on the air. I thought by going public we would have fewer problems with invasive reporters, not more. I really don't want to hear your version of I told you so.

Unfortunately, if we don't release some sort of statement Starfleet will probably do it anyway with or without our permission, so I might as well help write it. At least, that's what Jane told me when I talked to her about wedding plans earlier today via deep space IM. She said it would be a good idea to put out an official statement, so we don't have to deal with Barbara Sawyer trying to find out the name of the boy I made out with in eighth grade that resulted in me getting expelled. I really don't want her figuring out that you were my surrogate father's ex boyfriend now that he is publicly out of the closet. I don't want to deal with Oedipus complex comments.

Jane also believes giving some sort of official statement will lessen the likelihood of Barbara Sawyer, or any of her other colleagues from chasing us down with cameras at the wedding. Honestly, I really don't want the press there to capture the insanity of the entire affair. I just hope nobody gets arrested at this thing. I personally don't see the press leaving us alone even if I do throw the reporters a bone. Jane is the professional even if she is still unemployed. I trust her judgment more than anyone else besides you.

Personally, I think this may be some backhanded plan on her husband's part to get her to agree to be the new Starfleet Press Secretary. Again, like that is going to happen. She would last a week before she bawled someone out on camera.

Because the situation concerns you, I think it is best if you read my statement before I send it off to Starfleet. I actually wrote this draft myself because I hated the version of the statement that the press office sent me to sign off on. Their statement was absolute bullshit and there was no way I was signing off on that. If something is supposed to come from me, shouldn't it sound like something I actually wrote? I know what I wrote is about 500 words too long but I was pissed off and I needed to vent. The PADD was just there and is a good listener but not as good as you.

I think I cut out most of the cursing from my first draft, but you may want to double check. Did I mention how much I absolutely despise doing press statements. There are several things I rather be doing right now than wasting time writing a press statement that I don't even want to release in the first place. Several of these activities involve you, our quarters, various food items, silk scarves, and no clothing. Anyway, tell me what you think.

Love you

* * *

**Draft Statement to the press**

I have spent my life in the public eye since the moment I was born in an escape pod in the neutral zone. There is probably archive footage of a certain reporter changing my diaper at a Kelvin memorial event. With sparkling blue eyes and a sorrowful story, I instantly became Starfleet's poster boy so we didn't have to think about why Starfleet didn't dedicate more resources to catching the ship responsible for my father's death. Maybe if they did my fiancée would be able to show me the place where he grew up in person. Maybe if that were the case, the six billion lives lost during the destruction of Vulcan would still be here.

Commander Spock being one of the first human Vulcan hybrids, as well as, being the child of a high-ranking Vulcan diplomat, encountered a similar situation growing up. The majority of our lives have been an open book due to the public's supposed right to know. We have accepted that to a certain extent.

When I became the captain of Enterprise in addition to my obligation to my crew to keep them safe, I became a role model to young people throughout the Federation. The same was expected of Commander Spock. Considering some of the stupid things I've done in the past, I wonder if that was such a good idea. The commander is a much better role model for your children than I could ever be. However, despite my personal reservations, I once again accepted being Starfleet's poster boy and all that entailed because I knew this was something I needed to do. However, I did not expect my personal life to become fodder for the gossip Queens and pseudo journalists who keep the people blind to the real problems in the Federation with the trivial. Do we really need to concern ourselves with stories about which celebrity is sleeping with which other celebrity, whose entering rehab this week, and what ridiculous outfit so and so wore to last night's celebrity suck up event/award show? I think we as a society have more important things to worry about than who I happen to be sleeping with. My personal life is just that, personal. As long as whom I'm sleeping with does not affect my ability to lead my crew, then it is no one's business but mine and my partner. Not once have I put Commander Spock's well being above that of the crew as a whole or the needs of the Federation. I will always put the needs of Enterprise, her crew, and Starfleet before my own personal desires. (Comment KirkJT: Okay, so there was that one incident but they don't need to know about that.)

Yet at the same time, I see a double standard at play. Not once have I seen Admiral Barnett or those in a similar station ask questions about their sex lives during the middle of a press conference about foreign assistance to a perspective federation ally or some other issue that we should really care about. This is probably the first time in Starfleet history that a captain has had to release a statement regarding their personal life that did not involve some major scandal involving pedophilia, infidelity, or abuse of their position to gain sexual favors. I think me marrying a male Vulcan is nowhere in the same league. Yet, due to the public's supposed right to know, I am writing this press release when I could be doing captain things. (Comment KirkJT: I was originally going to say doing my fiancée but Jane would kill me if I gave her husband a heart attack. She already blames me for the grey hair.)

Some may argue that I and by extension Commander Spock deliberately misled or lied to the public due to some of the statements we made in the past. I never lied and neither did Commander Spock. It's not my fault you're still under the misconception that Vulcans only have sex every seven years.

If you didn't know that I was in a relationship with my first officer for nearly three years before our engagement you obviously don't know me. Those who have a right to know knew all along. I had no idea that it was part of my duties as captain of Enterprise to send out a press release regarding whom I sleep with or that I am not as heterosexual as everyone assumed me to be. It is 2262. Does it really matter anymore?

Some in the press have argued that I kept my relationship with Commander Spock a secret because I was either ashamed of him or of my orientation. Nothing could be further from the truth. If I was ashamed of my relationship with Commander Spock, I would never have proposed to him during a live new stream going out to most of the federation. Outside of a life or death situation, I have never concealed my orientation. If you were unaware of it, than you obviously don't know me well enough to see beyond stereotypes and conjecture.

Others in the press have speculated that I kept my non-heterosexualness a secret for the sake of professional advancement. If that were the case, I think we as a society should be more worried about a system that puts more credence on who somebody is sleeping with than their skills and abilities. If you look past the smoke screen of celebrity gossip, maybe you'll see what is really going on.

For those of you more worried about me being a good role model to your children, I personally think I'm a much better role model now than I was three years ago. The most important thing any young person can learn from me is to be yourself and not care how others perceive you. They are not worth your time if all they do is make you feel worthless because you are not who they want you to be.

(Comment KirkJT: The original version of that statement was "The most important thing any young person can learn from me is to be yourself. If anyone else has a problem with that, they can get fucked. They're not worth your time if they can't appreciate the uniqueness of you." I knew that wasn't going to survive the clearance process, so I rewrote it. I hate bureaucracy.)

 

 

 


	2. I still love you despite my better judgment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Francesca Monterone for proofreading the original version. All remaining mistakes are mine or the voice recognition software's.

From: SpockX  
To: KirkJT

Subject: Things like these make me wonder why I said yes but I still love you despite my better judgment.  
Time sent: 5/1/2262 20:17:19

After dating for nearly three years, I should be at least happy that you sent this to me first to look over. I am certain Christopher would have flagged the item in question before a certain intolerable homophobic and xenophobic admiral who most likely only received his commission due to nepotism had a chance to see said release anyway. Even without the profanity, your press statement is quite inflammatory and may offend several individuals in and out of Starfleet.

My mother always said my father was quite skilled at saying 'fuck you' without actually using the words. You seem to accomplish that quite well with this release. That was most likely your intent.

Knowing you as well as I do, I know you are not worried about offending the press or anyone else for that matter. This attitude of yours is why I had to rescue you from a tiny cell on a supposedly peaceful planet 3.6 weeks ago. In the case of this press release, I believe you are intentionally being inflammatory most likely because you are annoyed by having to release such a statement in the first place. I assume the original version of the press release must have been highly unacceptable for you to write such a response. I am unaware of the actual content of the original press statement because the Starfleet Press Office violated normal protocol by sending the request directly to you instead of filtering it through the Enterprise's press office and myself.

The only reporter you like is Jane Barnett. That is mostly because she is almost like a mother to you. She is right that to avoid the press from congregating at the wedding and ruining the occasion, we should issue some sort of press release and possibly official images from the ceremony. Of course, the press release will do no good if it is antagonistic in nature. I feel that that was your intention with the statement as is.

Yes, you should have considered the consequences of your actions before you decided to propose to me during a live broadcast. I will not say any variation of the phrase 'I told you so' because you specifically instructed me not to. Knowing you as well as I do, I seriously doubt that would have hampered your decision in any way. However, I doubt that we could have kept our relationship quiet indefinitely but I do feel the way people found out is a contributing factor to the extreme interest.

At least the press on earth is much more favorable to our relationship than on the Vulcan colony according to my father and Elder Selek. Apparently, I am a pariah once more among my people and a reporter was suspended for three weeks for calling you some vulgar variation of the term prostitute on air. Personally, I was completely unaware as to when I stopped being a pariah among my people. I find their opinion meaningless especially considering the fact my father believes you are fascinating. As you would say, 'they can all get fuck' because I love you regardless.

Below are my overall notes and my attempt at revising the release to avoid an interplanetary incident or a more antagonistic relationship with the media:

1\. The introduction is superfluous for a written press statement and more appropriate for a press conference. I can sense a deep-seated sense of irritation in regards to the constant press scrutiny we have endured for most of our existence. However, mentioning this could strain relations with the press later on. There are times when we need them on our side.

2\. This release is not the time or place to question if Starfleet used diversionary tactics to keep the public unaware of their lack of action in finding the ship that destroyed the Kelvin before a greater catastrophe occurred. It is also not the time and place to raise the possibility that this is what is happening again.

3\. I am flattered that you consider me a wonderful role model for the youth of the Federation. However, I would argue that you are also a more than adequate role model. The thing I admire the most about you is your willingness to never give up. That is a wonderful quality that I hope you will pass on to our children someday.

4\. Your third paragraph was too long and should have been broken up into three subsequent paragraphs.

5\. Please do not use contractions in a formal press statement. It is inappropriate.

6\. I seriously doubt Barbara Sawyer will find favor in being referred to as a 'gossip queen' or 'pseudo journalist' Such provocative statements will result in a 97.3 percent increase in the probability that she will be more determined to find something that will raise her ratings such as discovering that I engaged in a sexual relationship with your pseudo father figure for three years. I personally do not want the information to become public knowledge. My father is still unaware of that particular relationship and I would like to keep it that way.

7\. You raise a valid point when you argued that we as a society have more important things to worry about than celebrities. This is not the form to make such an argument. However, the next time during a press conference about some very important issue when a reporter asks you a question about our personal life, if you choose to raise this point then I will completely support you.

8\. Yes, there is an obvious double standard at play. Again, if you wish to point this out during the next press conference when you or I are asked invasive questions about our personal life, that do not pertain to the issue at hand, I will support you. As stated earlier, this is not the correct forum for such a discussion.

9\. Thank you for not mentioning having sex with me as something you would rather be doing in an official press release. Although, I am aware that such a statement is very true and mutual, I personally favor the rest of the universe being ignorant to that fact. If you want to do anything involving handcuffs, silk scarves, chocolate body paint, or any other accoutrements that you keep in your secret box of toys sent to you by Mrs. Barnett, you will not divulge any details of our sex life in a press release or any other type of public forum, including, but not limited to poker night.

10\. Thank you for avoiding any statements that would deliberately antagonize Admiral Barnett. I fear that if you do manage to give him a heart attack we will lose our wedding planner and I do not want that to happen. Remember you think of his wife as a mother figure and do not want to do anything to her that would hurt her so.

11\. Under the Vulcan definition of lying, we did no such thing but some humans may see it that way. In addition, some may perceive the statement "It's not my fault you're still under the misconception that Vulcans only have sex every seven years," as insulting despite the fact that it is true. It would be best to not raise such a point.

"If you didn't know that I was in a relationship with my first officer for nearly three years before our engagement you obviously don't know me. Those who have a right to know knew all along. I had no idea that it was part of my duties as captain of Enterprise to send out a press release regarding whom I sleep with or that I am not as heterosexual as everyone assumed me to be. It is 2262. Does it really matter anymore?"

12\. Although I wholeheartedly agree with the paragraph above, I do wonder if this is the appropriate venue to raise such a point at least in the blunt manner that you have done so. I have tried to soften this message in my revise statement to the press.

13\. I am completely aware that you are not ashamed of me and those accusations from the press and public are completely preposterous. I do not need to see such reassurances in an official press release. However, I do find your statement reassuring and I am pleased you feel that way.

14\. The accusation that you purposely kept your sexual orientation a secret to further your career is so ludicrous that I feel you should not even bother addressing it at all. You are right that if such an illegal and unfortunate bias does still exist in Starfleet that should be the focus of everyone's concern and not your actual orientation. However, this is not the time to raise the point. Again, if this comes up in a press conference, I encourage you to bring up this point.

15\. I am worried that your passing reference to Tarsus may inspire a certain journalist that named herself after two 20th century reporters to discover what that particular life and death situation was. Although, Starfleet has expunged all references to you actually being on Tarsus, it wouldn't be very hard for Ms. Sawyer to find somebody who remembered your presence on the planet. This is not information that needs to go public.

16\. Although, I've always maintained that you are a great role model to the youth of the Federation, excluding certain illegal activities that you have engaged in, such as using sex to place a new subroutine in my test so that you could cheat, I do agree that you are a much better role model now. You have matured over the last four years and I feel privileged to witness this evolution. The person you were four years ago would have left your first choice of words in the text. I am even more privileged given the fact that I will spend the rest of my life with you on this journey of self-discovery.

17\. As illogical as it may be, I sincerely wished I heard your words when I was constantly ridiculed by my peers for being half-human as a child. However, I am glad that I have you in my life now. I am uncertain if I can survive without you.

18\. Overall, the document is 699 words over the normal 250 word limit for official Starfleet statements to the press. Below is a condensed statement that I hope you will approve. I did my best to keep it in your voice. If you accept this statement without comment, I will be willing to do anything you want involving chocolate body paint and/or handcuffs at the first appropriate occasion.

* * *

**Revised Draft Press Release**

Commander Spock and I express our heartfelt thanks to everyone who has wished us well on our upcoming nuptials. Unfortunately, others have expressed outrage instead of congratulations because we chose to keep our relationship private. That was a conscious decision on behalf of both the commander and I. Our relationship was not a secret to those who we held in close confidence.

My personal life is just that, personal. As long as whom I am in love with does not affect my ability to lead my crew, then it is no one's business but my partner's and mine. In this case, that just happens to be my first officer. Not once have I put Commander Spock's well being above that of the crew as a whole or the needs of the Federation. I will always put the needs of Enterprise, her crew, and Starfleet before my own personal desires. Commander Spock has always done the same.

Others are worried about me being a good role model because I supposedly lied about who I was when that was never the case. The most important thing any young person can learn from my future husband or me is to be yourself and not care how others perceive you. They are not worth your time if all they do is make you feel worthless because you are not who they want you to be. Always be yourself.

 


End file.
